The Ice Princess

I've been hearing a lot of things about myself lately. A lot of adjectives have been thrown in my direction. I've been told that I'm cold, uncaring, stoic, bitter, afraid, hurt, you name it. I have to say, I started to reprove most of these adjectives, except one. I like stoic, and it's a word that I was barely familiar with. So, I've been thinking and analyzing my seemingly odd nature. I am stoic, in every sense of the word. I would even say I have been this way since I was a child. My parents tell me that when they would hit me for being the unruly child that I was, I would just look at them and say, "That didn't hurt." I have a wall up, and I like it that way. My sincerest of emotions is rarely ever shown or expressed to anyone. For instance, I can compliment a stranger or acquaintance, but I cannot compliment my best friend. I'd rather not utter that I like something. I love my family dearly, but I'd rather not say it to them.

I was once hanging out with this good friend from high school. He had, had a crush on me for some years, and we'd developed a really good relationship. We were together all the time and spent hours on the phone, but there was never really anything going on between us. I remember sitting on his porch with his younger brother. I don't even remember what we were talking about, but his younger brother didn't know me that well. He said something and then called me, "Ice Princess." I said, "Where on earth did you get that?" because he sincerely meant it. I looked at his brother, and he said, "Just ignore him," but I knew damn well what the two had corresponded about me already. It was obviously something that he had felt about me, or certainly portrayed to his younger brother.

I was working yesterday when I watched three boys sitting on our couch. They were teasing a fourth boy, and he sat there with his arms crossed, staring at the floor, crying. I wanted to kick their asses. He was literally breaking my heart. The mother finally came over and sat beside him, but she didn't really do much to comfort him. I didn't know what the situation was, though I had tried to listen. The boys kept tugging at a stuffed animal he had tucked under his arm in a Disney bag. I heard one of them teasingly say, "You can pull it out now." The mother, I'm assuming, said, "He knows that. He'll do it if he wants to." I wanted to kick her ass too. I wanted to tell all of them to shut-the-fuck-up and leave him alone. I wanted to go wrap my arms around that little boy and let him cry.

Crying gets to me. I thought that as they all left the store. As I stood there straightening items, I thought about how many people I've made cry. People that I grew up with, friends, family, boyfriends, dates. I wish I could take that all back. I wish I could take my hurt that I've caused and words that I've said.

But to all the naysayers out there, to all of you who think that you can read me, I'm not what you think. You can read this blog a million times and try to figure me out. I'm not against marriage. I'm not against love. I'm not bitter. I'm not mad at "that boy still" either. I have forgiven him and moved past that anger and hurt a long, long time ago. I've even forgiven some of the other ones who did some stupid shit too.

I do really believe in love, in the purest of ways. I like marriage too, but I hate what society has turned it into. I hate thinking people use it as a safety net or look at it for financial security. I hate that people turn to it as a last resort or an excuse to not be alone. I hate that people don't honor it or fuck around when they're in it. I hate that people participate in it because they think that's what they're supposed to do. And I really hate that people look at like an achievement, a check-the-box type of thing.

Learn something from this blog. Learn to not be afraid of what you want. Learn that loving someone is a freedom in and of itself. You can love whom you want, and no one can tell you otherwise. Marry because you are that fucking in love with someone, not because you are pregnant, not because you want kids, not because it's expected, not because you are scared that no one wants you, not because you don't want to go through life alone. Marry because you want that person beside you, because you want them to be there when you're ninety years old, because you never want a life without them. Marry because that person makes your heart stop, their smile warms your insides, and you always catch your breath when you first see them. Have children because you want something left of that person that you love so much or because you think life would miss something without them, not because you "just want kids." If you can't love in that capacity, if you can't love enough to forgive, if you can't love honestly, then you'll never really love at all.

So, judge yourselves. Leave me out of it.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

what a powerful post...

7:25 PM  

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