Coming Out of the Wood Work

Like I said, I'm under a wave....

I ran into another person from high school tonight. I tried to picture high school with her, but only middle school memories came up. I almost asked if we ended up going to high school together. I'm glad I skipped the question. I pulled my annual out & immediately remembered her school picture before opening the book. Why? I don't know. My memory works in strange ways. She signed my annual saying we had class together. And still, I have no memory of it.

Of course, once you unearth something like an annual, you can't help but look at it. You read all the good things people said to you and about you. I don't think I realized so many guys liked me. There were many who congratulated me for "winning" my guy back, and some that seemed to genuinly care for my well being in doing so. I guess you just always see more on the outside. I also noticed a lot of people telling me not to settle, to reach for my goals, and really live my life. I guess those were just the classic things you said in an annual. I remember when I signed annuals, I hated sounding trite. I always felt rushed and wanted time to ponder what I wanted to say. My best friend still kids me that we never signed each other's annuals because we were always waiting to have the time. She still has my page reserved, which is empty.

Most everyone I have run into has gotten married, and most have children already. Is there some urgency to living life that I haven't noticed? Is that what everyone seemingly wants--marriage & children? And I missing a gene? Is 24 that old? Do these people know who they are already? I feel like there's someone out there hinting to me that I'm supposed to be like that, but that someone doesn't tell me why.

I was asked a strange question today. I was asked what would make me ready for marriage. I thought about it, and I couldn't even imagine being ready. I suddenly felt like something was wrong with me. I've been in love twice, and both times, marriage wasn't really on my plate. I could be one of those girls who's engaged for five years--easily, if I accepted a ring. I've often heard people, or couples rather, say that they were waiting to have children until they were ready. And I've heard people respond that you never wake up and think "okay, now it's time." So, is my thinking that I'll be ready for marriage someday a delusion as well?

Pressure doesn't work on me. I just want you to know.


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