When Your Game Plan Goes Sour

My misery is at an all-new low. I keep wondering how I get myself into these bottomless pits of despair, and the only answer I can come up with is that I volunteered for it, or I deserved it. But neither of those answers actually tells me why I'm here.

I graduated college in 2000 and due to the impending doom of rent & a car payment, I took the first job I interviewed for, which, looking back, might have been the biggest mistake of my life. When I first began working at the bank, it didn't seem so bad. There were a lot of things I listed as needing improvement--something I always manage to look for in any job. I guess when you're always taking in things you want to change, you are always motivated or at least I am. But three years later, I don't see much else that I can change. I'm angry with myself for still being here. I'm holding a position with a four-year degree that probably only requires a high school diploma, if that. I question if I will ever make good use of my English degree before every educated brain cell has been lost. (Time, unfortunately, is always working against me.)

I work two jobs and have been for as long as I can remember. My second job was never "needed" in the sense of monetary gain. I decided it (my discount on merchandise) would be beneficial to me should I ever move out. Okay, I've been storing brand new things for so long that I can't even remember what I own. I have been forced to keep a list on my computer. (God help me if I ever lose that file.) I've already been replacing new things with newer things. That's the sad state I'm in right now. I'm redecorating with decorations that have already been retired even though they are still untouched. I'm on my third set of dishes. I own things meant only for display in a china cabinet, and believe me, my first place probably won't have a dining room. Speaking of a dining room, I already have a dining room table and a kitchen table and a bar table. Bar table? Yes, and sadly, I don't even consume that much alcohol. But should I decide to take up drinking, I've collected enough barware to put the hippest party-throwing couple to utter shame.

Don't go labeling me as a pack rat though. That couldn't be further from the truth. Where was I going with all this?

Ah, my state of utter misery. Yes. So, I'm completely uninspired by my job. I feel unappreciated, especially since the whole raise fiasco, which I'm not sure has ended. I just don't know what to do. The downward spiral is starting to feel like more of a vortex with a great concentration of gravity. I don't think I understand how adults get to be adults, because so far, I'm feeling more like a kid misplaced in the adult world. It's like the big kids won't play fair with me. They taunt me with their nice cars, homes, and vacations. I'm struggling to buy furniture, feed my cat, and keep my yearly dental cleanings. Somehow, I'm supposed to be saving for my next car, future home, retirement, and investing. Seriously, who has that much spare change, and how can I get their job?

There should be more to life than this. There really should be.


Post a Comment

<< Home