"I fear, I have nothing to give."

I've had a number of events to bring me down lately. So many small blows that I've caught myself just wanting to huddle in the corner and sob the misery away--something I have been incapable of doing in the past few years. I miss the girl I used to be. Somehow, I let logic and practicality rule everything I do my life, and I'm growing weary of it. There are things I have wanted to cry over--that I would have cried over--that I just can't cry over. For instance, I found out a co-worker of mine is HIV positive. He's been sick for a few weeks and he remarked, "It's either the beginning of the end, or the end of the beginning." When I heard he was sick, my heart received the news like someone had just told me the temperature outside. My only reaction was a head nod. I care for this co-worker deeply. From my very first shift with him two years ago, where I stood beside him and laughed until my cheeks hurt, I fell madly in love with his artless charisma. He can put a smile on anyone's face, and he does it so effortlessly. I remember thinking there was something so special about him that I thought it radiated from him. I think the world will be robbed of something magical if this disease decides to take his life.

To make matters worse, my closest girlfriend just moved away. I don't think I've been sad that she is gone, but everyone keeps asking me if I'm sad, which makes me think I must be missing something because I wasn't the least bit upset. And if I dig deep enough, I wonder if that is just another indication of what a shitty human being I've turned into. I usually respond to emotional situations with a logical backing telling me that this event is supposed to make me sad. In a certain sense, everything is contrived that comes from me. When she told me she was indeed moving, there was this slight bit of relief. I thought that any part of me that would indeed miss her would just have to adapt to life without her. In essence, I would be become more independent, and her absence quickly became a "healthy" challenge.

I have another friend that seems to be pushing me away, but I can't wrap my brain around why. Who he chooses to let in his life has always boggled my mind. I had become accustomed to being the only one who called, but lately, he never called back. After intense measures, I pinned him down. He remarked that he was surprised I showed up, and to be honest, it took me a little while to figure out what he really meant when he said that. I'm pretty much a person of my word, so I didn't understand or really process his comment at the time he said it. After fifteen minutes of my sarcastic cries for returned love, I realized I wasn't going to get any. His reactions to seeing me were very different. As we sat at the dinner table, I thought that this was probably the last time I would ever see him. I could no longer hold up the conversation, and I fell into a deep silence. I couldn't even look at him anymore. I wanted to shout things to hurt him only because I knew he was hurting me. After a long period of silence, he said, "Your not the only one." I lifted my eyes to meet his and pretended to not know what he was meaning. I said, "The only one what?" to which he said, "That I haven't talked to." I know he was trying to tell me that it wasn't necessarily meant to hurt me, but I couldn't grasp why one of the few people who's helped you keep your sanity--possibly your life--is one that you can't be around. He opens and closes his heart so quickly. Even though I can relate to him, and my heart is usually bolted shut, my endearing logic wouldn't ever let me run someone off.