How to Tell When You're Not a Comedian

So, there I was at Chili's with a good friend of mine. I notice the waiter is giving me a strange look. No big deal. It's probably in my head--that is until he is arranging our flatware and greets my friend by name. Ah, the reason for the look.

He then states, "You don't know my name, do you?" and clearly, she doesn't remember. He says, "Guess." (Folks, this is always a bad idea.) I see a dim lighting in her brain, which she quickly dismisses and says, "Oh, I don't want to get it wrong. What's the first letter?" Sadly, he retorts, "C--" and she exclaims "Chris," to which he then continues, "U-T-I-E." There is mild laughter. I'm still questioning what the hell he just spelled. I later discover I didn't get the letters right. So, his name turns out to be Adam.

After later conversation with my girlfriend, I realize he is the guy who asked her out at church, despite the fact they'd never talked. (Frazier, if you're ever reading this, dude, I'm so totally sorry. Time was against me & others were egging me on. 'Nough said.) So, I remember her telling me how weird this guy was, and I'm now telling you no writer could give sufficient explanation to explain this guy. He's even kind of cute, so where does the cheesy personality originate from?

I hear more bad lines though.

As we are getting ready to leave, I apologize ahead for the inconvenience, but we need three separate checks. He says no problem and then turns to my friend and says, "But yours is free." And just as she is putting in a very rehearsed, "Oh, you don't have to do that" even though she was so hoping he would do that, he cuts her off and says, "Just kidding." She gets a very I-feel-so-stupid look on her face. As he speeds away from our table I ask this: "In what world would that have been a good joke?"

I tell her that when he comes back with our checks, she should tell him, "Hey, we left you a good tip. Just kidding. We didn't leave one at all."

The story gets worse.

He comes back with our three checks. I hand my girlfriend hers and take my two. (Two because I got someone else carryout.) The dude has left his name and phone number with the instructions, "Call me." But, he was so intelligent that he put them on the carryout order. It's not like he didn't know who ate what or which ticket belonged to my girlfriend.

Does he wonder why his player ways don't work? Seriously. Does he wonder? Need we revisit the "Your meal is free--just kidding!" joke again? Does that woo any person of the human race?

At this rate, my teaching will never be done.

In other news, American Wedding is great comedy. I especially enjoyed watching Jim shave his pubes.

Did I just type the word "pubes" on a public journal?


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