5.31.2006

Goodbye Self

I am only writing this post because it is some sort of way of procrastinating for me. I have had good intentions of writing, but those intentions have fallen to the wayside. I could offer up an excuse or two, but I honestly don't have one. I have been dealing with so much. The newness of my move has worn away, and schedules and routines have started to wear grooves in the wood. As much as I came here to get away and find something shiny and new, I never considered the new battles that would be waged. I can't say that people didn't try to warn me; Oh, how they tried. I will admit there is some smug satisfaction in that what I heard people say would happen, didn't happen. But alongside that arrogance, I am ashamed at how I didn't prepare myself emotionally.

I have mentioned my stubborn nature a time or two, but dealing with yourself can be very painful at times. My new job has me in a strange client relationship that I only briefly questioned in my interview. There have been some days where I have been so angry that I wished I could just cry. The job is so much harder than what I expected. I worried myself over the technical issues that I would face coming here. I assured myself that, that would be the issue, but alas, I was so dead wrong. To date, the technical issues haven't been something to blink at; however, the concept of what I do--what I am responsible for--has had me reeling.

I come from Memphis. I come from parents that consistently "taught me better." I came from college where I majored in the art of communication. I am supposed to be naturally good at communicating. But not once have I ever learned how to deal with negative energy, with drama, with people who think nothing of dropping tone or insinuating that you're an idiot. I bend over backwards to turn situations around. I am typically good at manipulating or even messaging a situation into what I need it to be. Granted, some people intimidate me so much that I can't string two coherent words together, but most of time, I can hold my own.

Dare I say it? It hurts. It hurts really fucking bad. Actually, it doesn't even feel like hurt, but God does it make me angry. So angry, that my thoughts spin out of control; so angry, that I want to walk off and never come back; so angry that the only words I can muster are, "Okay, let me see what I can do," as my mouth fills with blood, and I fight every ounce of the governing Taurus that wants to charge.

I'm trying to step back and look at this as growing pains. There are always things about yourself that you will discover are unsightly. I'm trying to face that side of myself, to control it, and I am quite certain I can relate to multiple-personality disorders now.

It's hard letting go, but I am going to master it, even if it kills me.

3 Comments:

Blogger albert said...

At times, it is just tough to be ourselves, especially in a new environment.
I understand how you feel. ;)

This post is great. It's kind of sad to hear about your hard times at work, but it reminds me that you're at your best now; being consistent.

Thank you for sharing.

Best Wishes!

3:53 AM  
Blogger PB said...

From one Taurus to another, you have every right to snort and paw the ground. It isn't the people, perhaps, as much as the assault on your dreams and expectations that's making your blood boil. Reality is often a poor substitute for one's expectations.

I'm glad that you posted. I had hoped that you were steeped in a tempestuous relationship with some hardbody, but maybe you need to come to terms with your new life first.

By the way, feel free to tell those assholes who aren't playing nice that your friend PB will toss a blanket over their heads when they least expect it and beat them black and blue with a bag of oranges if they don't bow down and worship you like you deserve. (-;

7:38 PM  
Anonymous leahpeah said...

you are doing great - just look at all that learning you are doing.
take good care of yourself.
xo

12:14 AM  

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