Loves Everywhere

A holiday that is notorious for chocolate and things including strawberries does not make it easy for one to maintain a diet, especially when said person had only lost three pounds in roughly four weeks. And just because a birthday falls on the "day of loves," does not mean that I can not stuff my face full of Olive Garden bread sticks. I only have so much will power people.

Because Being Single Sucks?

No, actually, I don't believe that. I never have. I think both sides have trade-offs, like when I was with my newly married best friend at Target, and she had to phone her husband to ask permission to buy something. I thought, "Please, don't ever let that be me, unless we're talking about a number with several zeros behind it."

One of my bosses was in my office with another coworker and she just started talking about me like I wasn't here. I've been dieting since August, and people can I tell you how strongly I don't believe in dieting? I hate the word diet. I'm a stubborn bull who likes the good things in life, like chocolate and Pringles with skim milk. That is a balanced breakfast for me. But anyway, I managed to lose some weight, and every one keeps telling me how great I look. And as they were saying that this morning in my presence, my boss said, "I'm going to fix her up with someone, but I haven't told her yet." And I said, "Um, I can hear you. Who are you trying to fix me up with?" And she said, "My son-in-law." (Yeah, it took me a minute too. I don't reverse family trees well at all. I learned this at my grandfather's funeral last year. I needed a map of our lineage.) So, after I said, "Yeah, um what? How do you have a single son-in-law?" She meant step-son. Big difference, don't you think.

And I hate being set up. My last set up with an obviously GAY GUY who LIKED SHOWTUNES, drove a GIRLY TRUCK, and CRIED at the movie we saw, which I hated. Please note I've seen him several times with a Banana Republic bag in tote at Pottery Barn and shopping with another BOY. Newsflash: Men don't shop, and if they do, they don't do it together. Hello? Oh, and he admitted that he loved blind dates and kids. I thought he needed to work on his hetero-cover-up a little bit more.

One Would Think

That after 26, nearly 27 years on the planet, I could follow directions better, but alas, I'm here to tell you, that I can't. I'm going to blame that fact on the other well known fact about me: I'm incredibly impatient. So much so, that I often glance at directions, and while still literally comprehending them, begin doing the work that I needed the directions for in the first place, only to finish the work & then realize the importance of those directions, to then kick myself and yell, "Stink!" for screwing up.

But, I never learn. I can do this exercise over and over and over again. That's the beauty of being a Taurus.

Alanis would start singing "These Excuses" in my ear if (a) she knew me, (b) were here, (c) would actually bust out songs where appropriate. I'm not sure she's like that.

Stupid, Stupid, STUPID

I am so the person of "once was." I am horrible at thinking something would be better if, like if I get braces, that will be cool. I don't know what I was thinking. My teeth are in excruciating pain. I have the braces that you can remove, and every time I snap them on or off my teeth, it's all I can do to not punch the wall...or myself for having this stupid idea of perfecting my teeth.

These braces work by having you wear what looks like a retainer for several weeks and then you switch the next one. The very first tray nearly did me in, and I remember looking in the mirror thinking, "Yeah, what have I done." I accidentally skipped about 24 hours two days ago without wearing a tray on the week that I would be going to the orthodontist. I knew that would come back to haunt me. My teeth aren't quite as positioned as they were, and this new tray is KILLING ME.

Yeah, I may have to hurt somebody.