Catch Me if You Can

I've always been impatient. Rushed. Wanting to get there, wherever there was. I feel compelled to be the first one out the door; I hate to be the follower. I run to the end without even knowing what to recognize. I catch myself hurrying along even when I have the time to spare. I have agendas without the pressure of outside deadlines, which is okay because I'll impose deadlines regardless. Even my spontaneity falls to rigid expectations of myself.

I'm not sure where all this feigned pressure comes from. I suspect the root is deep.


The "Kutch"

Ashton Kutcher has been directing his own show on MTV called Punk'd. He is quickly winning my heart in a myriad of ways, though mainly through uncontrollable laughter. I'm nearly ready to propose marriage.* He was featured in my Cosmo magazine as well. I shall leave you (my imaginary audience) with his list of "what every chick should know about guys..."

(1) You never have to ask a man if he wants sex. He always wants sex. Always.
(2) When a man is watching the game, don't start talking uless it directly pertains to the game or you want to have sex.
(3) A man always wants to protect you. Say 'I feel like nothing could harm me when I'm with you.' And if you're ever in a threatening spot, after all is said and done, tell him you weren't scared because you were with him.
(4) If he says he's paying the bill, let him. Don't argue. It makes him feel like less of a man. Oh, and that sex thing applies anywhere--in the car, at a restaurant...just want to be sure you don't forget rule number one.
(5) Last, but not least, never talk about your ex-boyfriend in front of him unless you are directly bashing your ex. Just don't do it. If you're telling a story and he's involved, refer to him as 'this guy' and make it sound like it was 10 years ago.

I couldn't agree with him more.

*Johnny Knoxville would be my number one; however, I cannot recover from seeing the episode of Jackass where he stood over a porta-potty and had it turned upside down, drenching him in human waste.


Deep Thoughts

"Nature's instincts are always slow; those of men are generally premature."
--Jean-Jacques Rousseau

The Germanic goddess Holle was destined to marry Holler, King of Winter. She was tested by a riddle to prove her worthiness. She was to arrive at his palace neither naked nor clothed, neither riding nor walking, not alone but without companions, in neither light nor darkness. Holle came wrapped in fishing net, sitting on a donkey with one toe dragging the ground, surrounded by 24 wolves at twilight.


Reality Check

I was out of character today, but comforted and yet, still grounded by my own sarcasm. In fact, as I purposely irritated a customer, she noted I was a "sarcastic little girl." I laughed and thanked her. I recall spelling my name out and offering myself up for a lawsuit. I was in a giving mood, I guess.

My friend says I wear the strangest things as badges of pride.


Ode to Roya

I almost forgot. I received a compliment on my highlights--the ones I thought no one was ever going to notice. Talk about making a girl's day.
Relativity Equals What

Relating can be everything. I, apparently, have nothing.

A woman, and I'm hesitant to call her a co-worker, got married...in the atrium of our building. I heard rumors that she wanted all her co-workers to attend, and that, that was her ultimate reason for picking such a location. Yesterday, a few ladies from the office below mine came bustling out to decorate about ten feet of the stairs with tulle and Garden Ridge variety ivy.

I don't actually know the girl that got married; I was actually proud of myself for knowing who she was. I've only spoken to her a few times when I get mail from downstairs. She kind of frightened me. She's unusually loud. The kind of loud I somehow associate with people from the North, or those that are just deaf. When she talks, everyone in the room hears her, and sometimes turns to look at you.

I managed to avoid most of the ruckus; however, I got cornered later. As I was walking back into the building, the bride was coming toward me. I smiled and said congratulations, and she immediately began talking to me, though never acknowledging what I had said with a thank-you or anything else appropriate. She babbled on about how this was supposed to be a small affair with a justice of the peace. Somehow though, it became more than that. I managed to utter "but it was cool." I rolled my eyes inside thinking that was a stupid thing to say, but I needed to consider she wasn't the type to hear me, much less analyze what I had just said. I should have said something about it being trashy. I'm certain she wouldn't have heard a word I said. She would have continued talking about the ceremony or something else I wouldn't have been interested in hearing.

I would be willing to grant her the self-indulgence if I knew that she was just nervous & excited, but she's like that all the time. I imagined her being one of those wives that men dread having. The minute you walk in the door, they talk ninety to nothing. All you want to do is change out of your work clothes and relax, but you can't because there's this woman that has so much to say. She's not really interested in what you want or how you feel. She just wants to tell you everything that has transpired in the last five hundred and forty minutes you've been apart.

To the happy couple. [shudder]


Coming Out of the Wood Work

Like I said, I'm under a wave....

I ran into another person from high school tonight. I tried to picture high school with her, but only middle school memories came up. I almost asked if we ended up going to high school together. I'm glad I skipped the question. I pulled my annual out & immediately remembered her school picture before opening the book. Why? I don't know. My memory works in strange ways. She signed my annual saying we had class together. And still, I have no memory of it.

Of course, once you unearth something like an annual, you can't help but look at it. You read all the good things people said to you and about you. I don't think I realized so many guys liked me. There were many who congratulated me for "winning" my guy back, and some that seemed to genuinly care for my well being in doing so. I guess you just always see more on the outside. I also noticed a lot of people telling me not to settle, to reach for my goals, and really live my life. I guess those were just the classic things you said in an annual. I remember when I signed annuals, I hated sounding trite. I always felt rushed and wanted time to ponder what I wanted to say. My best friend still kids me that we never signed each other's annuals because we were always waiting to have the time. She still has my page reserved, which is empty.

Most everyone I have run into has gotten married, and most have children already. Is there some urgency to living life that I haven't noticed? Is that what everyone seemingly wants--marriage & children? And I missing a gene? Is 24 that old? Do these people know who they are already? I feel like there's someone out there hinting to me that I'm supposed to be like that, but that someone doesn't tell me why.

I was asked a strange question today. I was asked what would make me ready for marriage. I thought about it, and I couldn't even imagine being ready. I suddenly felt like something was wrong with me. I've been in love twice, and both times, marriage wasn't really on my plate. I could be one of those girls who's engaged for five years--easily, if I accepted a ring. I've often heard people, or couples rather, say that they were waiting to have children until they were ready. And I've heard people respond that you never wake up and think "okay, now it's time." So, is my thinking that I'll be ready for marriage someday a delusion as well?

Pressure doesn't work on me. I just want you to know.
Less Can Be More

Two things:

(1) I hugged my father last night, partly to watch him squirm & attempt to hide his feelings. I knew he was having a bad day & a hug from me would remove or at least alleviate most of that. It's not that I'm so great. My hugs are as common as a summer snow, but it makes their use potent.

(2) I think I like the movie A Walk to Remember, ergo I'm ashamed. That piece of information could ruin my stone-cold reputation.


John Boy I

Perhaps the past catches up with you in waves, and maybe I'm caught in one. It's funny how my memory stores images of people. It never seems to account for maturing, growing, or changing of any sort. People stay stagnant in my mental picture of them. And though I feel like I haven't changed from the person I was, I know better. Should I have the temerity to attend my high school reunion (in three years), I hope that seeing everyone is as pleasant as it was today. Today's ghost was one of great popularity and melt-in-your-mouth good looks. I'll say that time has been kind to him. He's still gorgeous and finally has the winning personality to match it, something he was missing in high school for sure. Here's to getting older and wiser.



This has been one of those nights where I believe my idea of a brain recorder would have come in handy. I've been dying to get to my laptop for the past fifteen minutes, but now that I'm here, each careful thought has just about escaped me.

So, I had a ghost from my past pay me a visit. I sat across from him looking at how much he has changed compared to my memory of him. I wondered what his memories were of me. As we traded stories and caught up, I hated retelling my life and all that has come to pass in it. I fear judgment too much. Yet, I'm always intrigued by others. I felt horribly disappointed in myself.

I think I was "caught" misusing two words. Okay, one didn't really count against me, and the other was definitely in question. So, naturally, I went running to a dictionary. The main one in question that sent my heart racing for fear of stupidity, I don't think I misued. Perhaps, I didn't use it in its best meaning, and maybe it wasn't the most perfect fit, but damn I hate being called on something like that. The fear that I sound stupid is constantly running through my head. To hear someone out me like that makes me wonder how much else I have said potentially wrong, and the person has just let it slip. If that's not enough pressure to keep from ever talking, I don't know what is.

And I had much better things floating through my brain on the drive home. I believe in writing in the moment. If the moment escapes me, I usually can't capture it again.

"Times have changed, and times are strange. Here I come, but I ain't the same."



Let the record show that I don't like to be corrected, and especially by an eavesdropper.


Keep Holding

Well, I did do it. I can't say it was something or even if it was nothing just yet. It wasn't nearly as hard as I imagined it to be, but then things seldomly are. And strangely, that isn't the first time I've said or realized that. Reflection isn't my thing I guess. If it were, moments like these would be met with more memories of when I stood up and something good came of it. I should make a list of things I learned, and keep it in my pockets or pinned to my shirt. If my memory fails, at least my list wouldn't.