A Journal to the Gods

Always, always, always, and then sometimes always, before a vacation, despite the fact I am SO organized, on top of things, detail-oriented, planned way before advance even enters the picture, I somehow have always remained a night-before kind of packer, and I absolutely hate it. No amount of time before lets me pack unless it's the night before. I end up staying up most of the night and then getting up really late (or early depending on how you look at it) in the night, long before most consider it a new day, to complete the packing and do a final getting ready in my own bathroom thing, which is treated like my last day on Earth or something. I scrub my skin so many times like I have to be as clean as I can possibly be before I leave my home. It's like my last chance to be THIS clean, because for the rest of the time, I will only be hotel, travel size, less options clean. And to be honest, I just don't feel clean on vacation. So, I'm a freak like that.

But tonight, I'm doing the one hundred seventy six items on my list. Suddenly, I realize as I go through my wallet, I'm missing my most important credit card. No, it's not just a credit card I use everyday, in fact, it's one I've never used. In order to save some MAJOR money, my hotel was running a special through the one credit card I didn't have nor did anyone else in my family. So, my good friend added me to her credit card just so I could get a discount. And now, the card has gone AWOL. What's up with that? That ugly, gold plastic thing is missing. How? How is that even possible? I don't lose things. I just used it like a week ago the book the hotel. Where the hell could it have gone?

Why does eveyone else who goes on vacation with me get to bed at like eight o'clock? I think they know I'm a last-minute packer and that something always totally stresses me out, and they avoid me worse than the plague. Can I just say that the night before my eleven day vacation from HELL in Hawaii I spent the ENTIRE NIGHT PACKING. I had NO SLEEP. Do you know what a bitch I turn into when I don't get any sleep?

I need that freaking credit card damn it. Once I find that sucker, I'm so going to rip it a new hole.


Can I Keep This in Mind?

"The things you fear are undefeatable, not by their nature, but by your approach." Jewel


This is the Land of Confusion

I'm leaving the comfort of my cube in probably less than an hour to be slaughtered in a new area of the company. Rather than "transfer" with the company, I think I'm just filling in for a pregnant girl who is literally days away from popping. At the mere thought of being new, inexperienced, and totally lost, all of my organs are giving me problems today. My tummy feels unusually light, like it might just march right up my throat and leave to find another host. My lower intestines feel unusually heavy, like they are going to demonstrate against my stomach in a different direction. My brain, on the other hand, is just trying to keep the peace. I'm somewhere in the middle of all of that.

Do I hear any bets on which organ will prevail?


Walmart Sucks

I just hung up the phone with my friend who left me for the sunshine, glistening waters, and white sandy beaches of Florida. I've talked to her every day, and this is the third time she's either been returning from, in, or heading to Walmart. She is and will probably remain the only person I know who travels through several states to spend her vacation in Walmart. Please note she's already visited more than one at her destination.

If it were Target, I could totally sympathize.


A Brief Discussion on Germs for the People Who Go Through Life and Never Think About Them

As I'm indulging myself in my afternoon snack at the local TCBY, where they practically know my order, face, name, and car, something very upsetting took place, and it has nothing to do with how my order was prepared. The light hearted may breathe again; however, I caution you that this story may still, indeed, turn your tummy and make you never sit down at a public place again.

I opened the door to my local joint and my eyes first caught a scene of a little boy having his pants pulled up. I noticed he was in diapers, not a huge deal. But because I notice a diaper, I immediately think a changing must have occurred, naturally. I was right. Luckily for me, I missed that part. I do see the mother with a travel size of wet-ones and then I spy to dirty diaper OPEN, ON THE TABLE, WHERE PEOPLE CONSUME THEIR FROZEN TREATS. I cannot, nor do I want to, spy which element is filling the diaper. I see the mother tape it up and put it BACK ON THE TABLE as she picks up everything else.

At this point, I do let out a gasp and look around to see if I am the only one witnessing this event. I see a man, clearly looking at my reaction and clearly seeing what this woman has done. He smiles at me, but I'm not totally sure he has just witnessed this event and is equally, rightfully as horrified as I am. If so, there should only be a furrow across his face.

So, I'm kicking myself for not whipping out my camera phone and taking one of those, "What's wrong with this picture" pictures. After they leave, I notice the glaring light on the table, which illuminates what I believe, is a print or smug, rather, from the dirty diaper. I think to myself that no one is going to know what just took place on that very table, which is probably for the better.

Should I ever leave the comfort of home again?


Monkey Business

My best friend just wrote and told me that she loved me. She's leaving me for SEVEN whole days to go to Destin, FL, which I actually encouraged. As she packs her car, I am experiencing that mom-don't-leave-me-with-the-babysitter anxiety at the ripe age of twenty-five.

A Message to Beach Whore: You still owe me a shot of your monkey.


The Reason You Save for a Rainy Day

Due to cutbacks within the our company, I lost my job today. You thought I was going to say something about napping, didn't you?

The good news? I have two months to transfer--if I want to.

Let's all become deeply praying creatures and pray that I get something fantastic in my life. I could use the rush of excitement.


A Family Gathering

The coversation went a little something like this:

Mom (says to her mother): "You have to check out my new iron."

(Mom enters carrying her new high-dollar iron.)

Mom's Mom (dazzled): "Oh, is that a Roweena?"

Daughter of the Mom with the fancy new iron chuckles and asks: "Did you just say Roweena? It's Rowenta, but I like Roweena much better."

Mom's Mom (shaking her head): "No, then that's not the same brand I have."

Mom (smiling): "Yeah, it's the same brand."

Daughter: "It's Rowenta, I promise. See? (pointing at the label) It's w-e-n-t-a."

Mom's Mom furrows.

Mom's Mom: "Oh. Well, it's a Missouri pronunciation."

Daughter: "Roweeeeena. Yeah, I really like that. Say it again, Granny."


Dear Fairy God Mother--

Please bring me a sweet piece of ass just like this one. And let him smell like the men's fragrance counter at the department store.

Number of times Jeni annoyed her company & said, "God damn he is so hot!" while watching S.W.A.T. this weekend: 97


A Question for My Peeps

Can anyone really tell the difference between a Cheese Nip and a Cheez-it? Really?

Okay, that totally sounds like something I'd be capable of.


Never Say Anything Resembling the Following When My Boss is Standing Behind Me

"At least it woke you up from your nap!"

My glare will burn a hole through your body.


Random Note

The movie Mothman Prophecies gives me chills every time I watch it. It is based on a true story, which is all that someone has to say to make that movie ten times scarier and a hundred times more creepy.

See? You didn't know that about me.
Say Cheese

Okay, so I am so stinking happy. I just got this phone with a digital camera. I have been having so much fun snapping mug shots of people as they frown at me. I cannot stifle my sinister laughter.


Baby Punk Gains a Year

Today, is my little lover's birthday, and by "little lover," I mean my cat Smeagol. I've only had two lovers before him. My first cat Whiskers (stray #1) was with me from about kindergarten through my senior year in high school. My second cat Forrest Gump (stray cat #2) was truly my soul mate. He got very, very sick on me last year. After surgery and months of shots, he finally let me know that he was ready to go.

So, after a few months of complete and utter loneliness, I got Smeagol for Christmas. I had actually picked him out a few months earlier at a pet show, but I never knew that he would become mine. After I had to put Mr. Gump down, I decided I would try to get a cat with a supposed disposition like him. I researched breeds and finally decided I wanted a Bengal cat.

So, for Christmas, I got this glittered little kitten with a meow that could scare the neighbors. But oh I have grown to love him and so has everyone else. He is complimented all the time, and his grandmother & aunt actually carry pictures of him in their wallets. He reminds me of the late Mr. Gump from time to time. In fact, I think that Mr. Gump would have liked this little kitten, but then again, he liked everybody.

Today, however, is Smeagol's first birthday. Due to this being the first cat whose birthday I've actually known, we decided to celebrate it with a candle glowing from a can of Fancy Feast. Smeagol looked puzzled on how he was going to eat with a glowing, hot candle in his food. We took pictures and sang him Happy Birthday. I'm sure he had no idea what was going on. It was more for us anyway.

So, happy birthday little fella. You better be with me until I'm well into my late thirties. "That's all I've got to say about that."

How to Tell When You're Not a Comedian

So, there I was at Chili's with a good friend of mine. I notice the waiter is giving me a strange look. No big deal. It's probably in my head--that is until he is arranging our flatware and greets my friend by name. Ah, the reason for the look.

He then states, "You don't know my name, do you?" and clearly, she doesn't remember. He says, "Guess." (Folks, this is always a bad idea.) I see a dim lighting in her brain, which she quickly dismisses and says, "Oh, I don't want to get it wrong. What's the first letter?" Sadly, he retorts, "C--" and she exclaims "Chris," to which he then continues, "U-T-I-E." There is mild laughter. I'm still questioning what the hell he just spelled. I later discover I didn't get the letters right. So, his name turns out to be Adam.

After later conversation with my girlfriend, I realize he is the guy who asked her out at church, despite the fact they'd never talked. (Frazier, if you're ever reading this, dude, I'm so totally sorry. Time was against me & others were egging me on. 'Nough said.) So, I remember her telling me how weird this guy was, and I'm now telling you no writer could give sufficient explanation to explain this guy. He's even kind of cute, so where does the cheesy personality originate from?

I hear more bad lines though.

As we are getting ready to leave, I apologize ahead for the inconvenience, but we need three separate checks. He says no problem and then turns to my friend and says, "But yours is free." And just as she is putting in a very rehearsed, "Oh, you don't have to do that" even though she was so hoping he would do that, he cuts her off and says, "Just kidding." She gets a very I-feel-so-stupid look on her face. As he speeds away from our table I ask this: "In what world would that have been a good joke?"

I tell her that when he comes back with our checks, she should tell him, "Hey, we left you a good tip. Just kidding. We didn't leave one at all."

The story gets worse.

He comes back with our three checks. I hand my girlfriend hers and take my two. (Two because I got someone else carryout.) The dude has left his name and phone number with the instructions, "Call me." But, he was so intelligent that he put them on the carryout order. It's not like he didn't know who ate what or which ticket belonged to my girlfriend.

Does he wonder why his player ways don't work? Seriously. Does he wonder? Need we revisit the "Your meal is free--just kidding!" joke again? Does that woo any person of the human race?

At this rate, my teaching will never be done.

In other news, American Wedding is great comedy. I especially enjoyed watching Jim shave his pubes.

Did I just type the word "pubes" on a public journal?